Sunday, July 11, 2010

Read the Label

Are you a label reader?  One of those people who reads the fine print on everything you buy?  Well, I am.  I don't read nutrition labels, as such.  I mean, I know I should care how much sodium is in my saltines or how much fat is in my Ben and Jerry's, but, alas, I do not.

I read labels because the are hysterical.  Really.  Come, let me show you.

This is a box of drinking straws.  The bendy kind.  The regular, straight kind are usually too long for small children to use well.  And they make it easier for grown ups to drink in bed.  You know, when you are just too lazy to sit up.  Bendy straws.  Or, as the packaging calls them,


But, don't stop there.  These are not just any "straws flexible."  These are Drink delights.  Ooooh.  Ahhhh.

To illustrate:  This is a drink...

But, this is a drink delight...

Again, with feeling.  Oooooh.  Ahhhh.

Moving on.

This is the label on the side of a take-and-bake pizza box.

If you can't read that, let me help you.  It says, "Inspired by the rich culinary traditions of Italy, our pizzas feature upscale ingredients and bold flavors.  Whole milk mozzarella and smoked provolone accent the meaty stars of this rustic, ready to bake pie: sausage, Canadian bacon, spicy pepperoni, and savory beef.  A blend of Asiago, Parmesan, and Romano cheeses finish this authentic regional dish."  

Are you kidding me?  I bought this "authentic regional dish" at Target right around the corner from the feminine hygiene products.

And last but not least...

Socks for the boys.

But these aren't just any socks.

These come in a "resealable bag."  So that they don't loose their new sock freshness, I guess.

What I want to know is who write this stuff and where do I apply?


  1. Oh, I read the labels these days right enough. I've very recently discovered I've a profound milk allergy and you would be absolutely amased with the volume of stuff that has milk of milk product in it. With no good reason.

    That verbal diarrhoea on the box of pizza is lifted directly from French Restaurant menus. There have been times when I've ordered meat 'raised on the verdant slopes of the Auvergne' which could be goat, sheep of beef and any number of birds. Sometimes your only clue on what it is is the herb going with it.

  2. What really interests me is the "EZ sort matching" on the boys socks. I'm curious. What is different with these socks?

    And, please tell me that they refer to the bag and not the socks when they say "natural latex rubber/other fibers".

  3. Tricia, I am glad you asked. The socks have the name of the company knitted into the toe of the sock. Each size is a different color. This is perfect if you have three boys who wear three different sizes of otherwise identical white socks. Red toes go with red toes, green toes go with green toes, etc. It is brilliant.

    And no the natural latex and natural fibers does indeed refer to the socks. Have you ever worn sock with out latex in them? You need little suspenders to hold them up.

  4. The only possible use I can think of for a resealable sock bag is in case you don't need all ten at once, and you want to be able to take a pair or two out at a time to replace some holey ones. Nobody, but nobody should have to tolerate stale socks!
    I don't know. Ever since gourmet food became mainstream the labels have become more and more ridiculous. What's the old saying? You can't make a silk purse out of a sow's ear. I mean, who are they foolin'?
    But I must say I love the 'drink delight'. That's kind of cute.

  5. that sock package is too funny! what a waste of a good resealable thingie!

  6. LOVE this! Laughing Out Loud! Oh, so funny! I always get a kick out of shampoo and other toiletries..the directions on how to use them are hilarious.

  7. Okay...I'm guilty of liking the resealable bag. Two of my daughters still get packaged underwear (panties), and I find myself at Target, trying to "neatly" pull the sticky flap from the bag to take out the underwear to see if it looks like the size of their butts. Oops, I mean their bottoms. Then I have to try to fold the underwear back around the cardboard and gently slide it back into the packaging without the sticky flap sticking to something that it shouldn't stick to.
    Fortunately, this is only once or twice a year, as their butts are not rapidly growing.
    Oh, that's were talking about labels. I agree! :)

  8. Anita, I figure the socks are thusly packaged for the same reason. If I have to tear the bag open to see if the socks feel soft enough or whatever, then no one is going to buy that bag of socks. The resealable bag allows us to do these things discreetly. But, at first glance, I thought the label was funny. Of course, if it had said, "Hey stupid! Don't rip the bag! It has a zipper." That would have been funnier.