The spider managed to swing between the hinges of the door and come to rest on my cabinet. All the better to squarsh him, I thought. But with what? I didn't want to get too close. I grabbed what was immediately at hand. An eighteen inch long pink bubble wand. You have one of those lying around your kitchen, don't you?
I lunged, mighty pink plastic wand leading, to poke at the creature. He moved to one side, dodging me. It was then that I realized, this arachnid had eyes. Two big black beady ones, pointing straight ahead, fixed on me.
Oh, now it was on. I lunged. He bobbed. I lunged again. He weaved. Then, I started to get scared. What if he was one of those "jumping" spiders? What if I poked, and missed, and he jumped on me? The fit I would have, screaming and flailing around the kitchen, would have been enough to put me in the hospital.
All of my lunging and screaming distracted the children from Sesame Street. They were rapt by the spectacle that was there mother. Their strong, self-assured, never-one-to-be-a-damsel-in-distress mother, shrieking like girl over a little bug. (In my defense, he was not all that little, and he was ugly.)
Finally, Jonah says, "Mom, I can kill it."
"Can you? Really?" My sense of relief was palpable and yes, a wee bit embarrassing.
Jonah, age five, thirty-nine pounds soaking wet, strode into my kitchen, and took up the mighty pink wand. He eyed his opponent briefly, inhaled, focused, exhaled, and beat that spider to the ground where he beat on it some more until it was dead. With his mother, the whole time screaming, "Kill it, kill it, kill it!!!"
I was so proud of him. He stepped up to protect me, one of his women folk. But then, as he went back to watching Sesame Street, I heard him say, "Finally, I got to kill something." Do you think this is going to be a problem?
Just for the record, my foe was (I looked it up later) what is known as a black and white jumping spider. Ugly, no?
The top image is a Happy Meal Toy (don't judge me) from the latest Shrek movie (which they won't see) that Jonah dressed up with a shield and sword so that it could battle a dragon. See below.