Survival Kit in a Sardine Can

As you may or may not know, I have a thing for labels.  Last week I found this one.

A Survival Kit in a Sardine Can.

It contains one (1) each of the following: Acetaminophen, Adhesive Bandage, Alcohol Prep.  Pardon me, but one Tylenol, one Band-aid, and one wet wipe are not enough to "survive" a trip to the park with my kids.

It contains one (1) Energy Nugget and one (1) Fire Starter Cube.  Boy, you don't want to get those two mixed up.

One (1) Salt Packet.  In case your Energy Nugget is bland?

One (1) each, Book Matches, Signal Mirror, Waterproof Bag, Compass.  That's better.  Wait.  What does that asterisk next to the compass mean?  Oh, the compass was made in China.  Why do you need to know that?  Is it because China is on the other side of the world?  Do you have to read Chinese compasses backwards, the same way you have to read Australian compasses upside down?

One (1) Safety Pin.  To hold up your pants once you start loosing weight, because catching your dinner with one (1) Fish Hook and Line turned out to be a lot less fun with out the beer and the boat.

One (1) Sugar Whistle.  Do you blow it to attract attention?  Or dissolve it in your tea, made with your one (1) Tea Bag?

There is Duct Tape.  Why wouldn't there be?

There is one (1) Razor Blade.  If you decide that "survival" really isn't for you.

There is one (1) Pencil, also made in China, so it is guaranteed to have lead, and one (1) Note Paper.  For your Last Will and Testament?  Or, if you are more optimistic, to get the phone number of the Search and Rescue hottie who saves you.  Be sure to chew the one (1) Chewing Gum before you ask though, as the kit contains no (0) Toothbrush.

And, lastly, the kit contains First Aid Instructions. Which, if you had read them before needing to bust open your Survival Kit in a Sardine Can, would have told you that you were ill prepared to go out into the wild with nothing more than a bottle of Auqafina and a Survival Kit in a Sardine Can.