Thursday, June 3, 2010

The Dark End of the Tunnel

Hubband may or may not be losing his job at the end of the month.  His employer can't say for sure yet.

I may or may not be losing my baby.  In one elaborate and fanciful scenario, it may be twins.  My doctor can't say for sure yet.

Jonah will be starting kindergarten this summer.  It may be on August 24, or as early as July 19.  The school district can't say for sure yet.

We may or may not be moving to Washington at the end of the summer, at Christmas, next year.  We can't say for sure yet.

Meanwhile, Hubband gets up every morning and goes to work full time.  He spends every evening and weekend in the library studying for the Washington State bar, so that we have options.  This makes me a quasi-single mother of three young children, who aren't in school right now, and going stir-crazy.  And, I still feel pregnant--nauseous and tired.  Did I mention the cold that we all have?

I know there are great tragedies in the world, and none of them have befallen us here.  But, that's the thing about a tunnel.  I can only see what is in front of my face -- my family and a long road of uncertainty.  It is hard to keep perspective in this dark, narrow place.  It is easy to scream, and be comforted by the sound of my own voice echoing back at me.

I miss my happy blog and my sense of humor and hope both return soon.  But, I can't say for sure yet.

Photo found here.


  1. Ahh, that photo of the title bar. The pan of oil about to explode on her Barnard College rear end.

  2. :( You need a break momma. Do the kids do playdates?

  3. All your feelings are valid. We can celebrate with you through the good; we can pray with you through the bad.

    You're in my thoughts and prayers.

  4. I am thinking of you, too, Tracey, and trying hard as I can to send a little light your way, if only in spirit.

    hugs from Leah

  5. Freckles has it exactly right. And that light seems a long way off, indeed. Don't be shy to let your tears flow, we all love you. You are a strong woman, but even strong women need to let it out once in a while so they can stay on the track and see the tunnel through. There is lots to hope for, so hold onto that - hard. ((hug))

  6. Uncertainty is always really hard. I'm sorry you have so much of it to deal with...that's got to be really challenging. Every day though you get a little closer to the light, and it will all make sense somehow.

  7. not knowing is the worst. i've been there and you're right, it's tough to keep things in perspective. and really, who cares about perspective anyway? it's a tough time for you and your family at the moment and you deserve to feel angry and scared and frustrated and whatever, if you want to! so scream away when you need to and don't feel bad about it! thinking of you. xo

  8. Thank you everyone. Really. We are still in a dark place around here. (September 1 can't come soon enough.) But your sincere comments have really brightened things up for me. Thank you thank you thank you. I mean it.