Gone Bananas!

Those of you who visit regularly, know I have a thing about stupid.  And, a thing about labels.  This story has them both, dipped in chocolate.  So, keep reading.

My son, Jonah, likes frozen bananas.  He gets a box as an occasional treat.  You can buy a box of four at Trader Joe's.  Or at least you could, until recently.  Maybe you still can.  I don't know.  The last time I was there, they were clean out.  In their place, were these:

Trader Joe's Frozen Banana Slices. 

Jonah was more than willing to take frozen banana slices in place of a whole banana on a stick.  The boy ain't dumb.  One look at the box and he knew the chocolate to banana ration had gone up considerably.  Or, had the ratio gone down?  This has something to do with fractions, right?  If I could do math, I'd be a doctor, not a lawyer.  The point is, there was gunna be more chocolate.

It wasn't until I got home that I read the label.  Not the back label, with all that boring nutrition information, but the front.  Do you see that line of tiny print across the top of the banana?  It says "serving suggestion."  Really?  You suggest I serve them like dominoes tumbling out of a fresh banana? 

I was about to go off on a screed about stupid marketing people, when I realized it is not their fault.  If you package food, and your packaging shows food that is not in the package, you are required by law to tell the buyer that.  This is because of lawyers.  Or, legislators.  But, they are all lawyers, too.  So, yeah, lawyers.  Stupid lawyers.  Or it is stupid buyers, because they can't tell that a box of frozen bananas won't contain half a fresh banana?

This depressed me.  This, the small box, the disproportionately high price (the ratio of the price to the number of slices in the box).  I was totally off Trader Joe's Frozen Banana Slices.  Then, I ate one.  Then two.  Then three.  Then I had to leave the room until Hubband and the children had finished the box.  (It is a very small box.)

These are so good, I wouldn't care if the "serving suggestion" showed chocolate covered banana slices shooting out the monkey's butt.  They are worth every penny!

So, run, don't walk.  Heck, DRIVE to a Trader Joe's near you and get a box.  GO!

Darn You Barbara's!

It is hard enough to get three kids fed, dressed, groomed, and shod in the middle-darkness that is most mornings around here.  It does not help when the breakfast cereal conspires against me.

We like the cereals put out by Barbara's Bakery.  They are a northern California company founded in the nineteen-seventies to make tasty and good-for-you baked goods.  Well, they were so good at it, they have been distributed nationally for several years now.

Samuel loves Barbara's Shredded Spoonfuls so much that he just calls it cereal.  If he asks for cereal, he is asking for Shredded Spoonfuls.  The kids are also big fans of Puffins, and my favorite, Shredded Oats (called Big Puffins if you are Sam.) 

These cereals are so tasty, and the kids liked them so much, Hubband had to tell me to quit buying the kids such sugary cereals.  But, the truth is, Puffins and Shredded Spoonfuls only have 5 grams of sugar per serving.  Yeah, that doesn't mean a darn thing to me either.  Let me put it a better way.  Wheat Thins have 4 grams of sugar per serving and they're salty!

My only problem with Barbara's is their recent package change.  They have gone with a more natural looking box.  I suppose to reflect their identity as all natural and socially conscious, their brand if you will.  That is their right.

But all the boxes look the same.

You see how a tired and distracted woman (who probably hasn't had her coffee yet) could get confused.  And that is looking at them from the front, where there is a nice big picture.

From the side, and with my bifocals, I have to tilt myself almost into a back bend to read the name when they are up on the shelf.  More often then not, they end up in the cupboard like this. 

I would need x-ray vision to tell what cereal is in which box.

Barbara, I love you.  My kids love you.  But you need to fire your marketing people.  And then they need to fire the childless, young genius with perfect vision who designed  all of the boxes to look exactly the same!!!

Oregon: No Town to Call Its Own?

 Two weeks ago, my family and I embarked on a road trip, north from California, to Washington.  But first, we had to cross Oregon.  During the six, or so, hours we spent driving through beautiful Oregon, I got a chance to read a lot of road signs.  It was then that I began to wonder if Oregon had a single town to call it's own.  Portland?  There is a better-known one in Maine.  Salem?  Most people think of Massachusetts.  But it does not stop with just the big Oregon cities. The state has several towns and cities with better known counterparts. I submit the following::

Fairbanks (Alaska)
Pheonix (Arizona)
Charleston (South Carolina)
Durham (North Carolina)
Vale and Aurora (Colorado)
Jacksonville (Florida)
Lafayette (Georgia)
Peoria and Elgin (Illinois)
Wichita and Kansas City (Kansas)--Kansas City? Seriously, Oregon, you aren't even trying, here.
Lexington (Kentucky)
Bunker Hill (Massachusetts)
Detroit and Saginaw (Michigan)
Independence (Missouri)
Albany (New York)
Toledo and Dayton(Ohio)
Pittsburg (Pennsylvania)
Newport (Rhode Island)
Nashville (Tennessee)
Dallas, Austin and Brownsville (Texas)
Arlington and Mount Vernon (Virginia)
Milwaukee (Wisconsin)
Wheeler (West Virginia)
Ontario (Canada)
Rome and Florence (Italy)
London (England)
Berlin (Germany)
Kingston (Jamaica) 
Damascus (Syria)
Holland, Norway, and Denmark
Sparta and Troy

There is also a Springfield, Oregon, but as there are equally well-known Springfields in Massachusetts, Illinois, Missouri, and that place where the Simpsons live, I'll give Oregon the benefit of the doubt.  They might have been the original.

I was wrong though.  It turns out that Oregon has many original towns within its borders.  Like:

Bend and Zigzag.
Aloha and Paradise.
Brothers and Sisters.
Lime and Peel.
Boring and Remote.
Nonpareil and Sublimity.
Amity and Friend.
Bridal Veil and Diamond.
Talent and Tangent, Trail and Drain.
Promise and Prospect.
Wagontire, Echo, Fossil.
Sixes, but no Fives of Sevens.
The Dalles (When one Dalle is not enough.  And, what is a Dalle?).
The unfortunately named Wankers Corner, and no I did not get this from the internet.  I have an actual atlas.

And, my favorite, Half.com.  This has to be a publicity stunt, doesn't it?  Give us money, we will let you name our town.  And since www.half.com is a division of Amazon, I think I am right.

So, you see, Oregon does have some towns to call its own.  And others are for sale.

Mint Flavored Ice Cream with Chocolate Flavored Chips

The world since facebook is a funny thing.  Three years ago, I had never heard of it.  Now, not a day goes by that I don't hear of it.  Though, ironically, it does not show up in the spell check dictionary.  Not even on facebook!  But, I digress.  (Can one digress before one has actually begun?  I think one can, and this one has.)

I'm not really here to talk about the pervasiveness of the word facebook, or the social networking site, except to mention that I use facebook, and on Wednesday, not one, but two people I know, used the term Mint 'N Chip to refer to ice cream I have always called Mint Chip.  I have to admit, this threw my already wobbly world just a bit off kilter.  Have I been saying it wrong all these years.  Is it really Mint 'N Chip?

I had to know for sure.  Research was needed.  I did not want to rely on the internet.  Any crazy wacko with a laptop and an ice cream spade to grind can post stuff on the internet.  I had to go to the labels themselves.  This meant field work.

I entered the grocery store, as if I belonged there, and casually walked the frozen food isle, as if this were something I do every other day or so.  I have a lot of practice, as this is something I do every other day or so.  I found the ice cream section, predictably, where it had been last week.  Ice cream, it turns out, is grouped first by type (premium, low fat, low sugar, etc.), then by brand, and then by flavor.  The Mint Chip, or Mint N' Chip, was to be found in several locations along the isle.  I had my work cut out for me.

I have to admit, I was a little nervous.  I was worried an under-appreciated employee or an over eager assistant manager would come by and scold me for staring so long at their ice cream.  I had a back up plan, in case I was caught, and had to escape quickly.  I would simply have to buy one of every type and brand, so that I could read the labels at my leisure, preferably over a bowl of ice cream.  Sadly, it did not come to this.  I was able to gather all of the information I needed in the field.  My findings will shock you.  (Mostly because I went to the trouble to find them.)

I started with the biggest national brand, Dreyer's, also known as Edy's east of the Rockies, or the Mississippi, or some such.  The same places they put Hellman's instead of Best Food's on their sandwiches and drink MelloYellow instead of Mountain Dew.  I could find no Dreyer's mint flavored ice cream with chocolate flavored chips among the premium ice creams.  I did find Mint Brownie.  I noted that it was not Mint 'N Brownie.  Further down, Dreyer's light and no sugar varieties were called Mint Chocolate Chip.

Breyer's was the second national brand I surveyed.  This was tougher than I thought.  For one thing, Breyer's has a mint leaf on every box of their ice cream, regardless of the flavor.  And their Mint Chocolate Chip, once I found it, was white, not green.  Better for you, but harder to find.

Next was Sunnyside.  This is a generic brand, I think.  It may be a local generic, specific to the grocery chain whose store I was patronizing, but I think it is available in several states.  Since I am too lazy to look this up, and so are you, I am just going to assure you, they have enough market share to influence the ice cream naming culture in this country.  Sunnyside carries Mint Chocolate Chip, Mint Moose Tracks, and Mint Chocolate Flake.  Not Mint 'N Chip, Mint 'N Moose Tracks, or Mint 'N Flake.

At this point I was feeling just a wee bit smug.  Mint 'N Chip?  What crazy talk!  There is no such thing.

Then, there, at the end of the isle, before ice cream ends, and other frozen desserts begin, I found it.  A five quart plastic tub of Bayview Ice Cream, calling itself Mint 'N Chip.  The kind of giant ice cream trough you buy for a child's birthday party, or a particularly heinous bout of PMS.  I've had the stuff. (Only because we needed the tub to make homemade babywipes, I swear.)  It's horrible.  And, the only one, of all the varieties and brands, to not actually mention the word chocolate.

In conclusion, I can only suggest to you my dear readers, that if you want mint flavored ice cream with chocolate flavored chips, you buy Mint Chip.  If you want large quantities of cheap, sweet, green goo, by all mean, stick with the Mint 'N Chip.

Now, if you will excuse me.  I have a petite helping of Ben and Jerry's Mint Chocolate Cookie to eat.  A small price to pay for my science.

UPDATE:  Based on the first few comments, I would like to amend my post.  What do you call mint flavored ice cream with chocolate flavored chips where you live?  Or, if you are more ambitious, can you help me flesh out my research by letting me know what some other brands call it?  Be careful in the field dear readers.  Don't get frost bite.

I'm Reading Labels Again

I bought this picture frame on clearance at Khol's.  It cost me $4.25, down from the original $24.99.  Yeah me!

I liked it, not just because it was cheap, but because it had this pretty detail carved into the wood

I did not buy it because it was "made with renewable resources."

In fact, I didn't even notice this bit of marketing until I got home.  But when I did, it got me thinking, "What renewable resources?  Wood?"

Why as a matter of fact, yes!

Uh, I think all wood is technically renewable.  I mean, doesn't the stuff practically grow on trees?

Blogger on a Mission

193/200

Survival Kit in a Sardine Can

As you may or may not know, I have a thing for labels.  Last week I found this one.

A Survival Kit in a Sardine Can.

It contains one (1) each of the following: Acetaminophen, Adhesive Bandage, Alcohol Prep.  Pardon me, but one Tylenol, one Band-aid, and one wet wipe are not enough to "survive" a trip to the park with my kids.

It contains one (1) Energy Nugget and one (1) Fire Starter Cube.  Boy, you don't want to get those two mixed up.

One (1) Salt Packet.  In case your Energy Nugget is bland?

One (1) each, Book Matches, Signal Mirror, Waterproof Bag, Compass.  That's better.  Wait.  What does that asterisk next to the compass mean?  Oh, the compass was made in China.  Why do you need to know that?  Is it because China is on the other side of the world?  Do you have to read Chinese compasses backwards, the same way you have to read Australian compasses upside down?

One (1) Safety Pin.  To hold up your pants once you start loosing weight, because catching your dinner with one (1) Fish Hook and Line turned out to be a lot less fun with out the beer and the boat.

One (1) Sugar Whistle.  Do you blow it to attract attention?  Or dissolve it in your tea, made with your one (1) Tea Bag?

There is Duct Tape.  Why wouldn't there be?

There is one (1) Razor Blade.  If you decide that "survival" really isn't for you.

There is one (1) Pencil, also made in China, so it is guaranteed to have lead, and one (1) Note Paper.  For your Last Will and Testament?  Or, if you are more optimistic, to get the phone number of the Search and Rescue hottie who saves you.  Be sure to chew the one (1) Chewing Gum before you ask though, as the kit contains no (0) Toothbrush.

And, lastly, the kit contains First Aid Instructions. Which, if you had read them before needing to bust open your Survival Kit in a Sardine Can, would have told you that you were ill prepared to go out into the wild with nothing more than a bottle of Auqafina and a Survival Kit in a Sardine Can.

Read the Label

Are you a label reader?  One of those people who reads the fine print on everything you buy?  Well, I am.  I don't read nutrition labels, as such.  I mean, I know I should care how much sodium is in my saltines or how much fat is in my Ben and Jerry's, but, alas, I do not.

I read labels because the are hysterical.  Really.  Come, let me show you.


This is a box of drinking straws.  The bendy kind.  The regular, straight kind are usually too long for small children to use well.  And they make it easier for grown ups to drink in bed.  You know, when you are just too lazy to sit up.  Bendy straws.  Or, as the packaging calls them,

straws
flexible

But, don't stop there.  These are not just any "straws flexible."  These are Drink delights.  Ooooh.  Ahhhh.

To illustrate:  This is a drink...

But, this is a drink delight...

Again, with feeling.  Oooooh.  Ahhhh.

Moving on.

This is the label on the side of a take-and-bake pizza box.

If you can't read that, let me help you.  It says, "Inspired by the rich culinary traditions of Italy, our pizzas feature upscale ingredients and bold flavors.  Whole milk mozzarella and smoked provolone accent the meaty stars of this rustic, ready to bake pie: sausage, Canadian bacon, spicy pepperoni, and savory beef.  A blend of Asiago, Parmesan, and Romano cheeses finish this authentic regional dish."  

Are you kidding me?  I bought this "authentic regional dish" at Target right around the corner from the feminine hygiene products.

And last but not least...

Socks for the boys.

But these aren't just any socks.

These come in a "resealable bag."  So that they don't loose their new sock freshness, I guess.

What I want to know is who write this stuff and where do I apply?

The Saga of the Uppity Bath Towel

This is the tag on my bath towel.  My basic, run-of-the-mill, dry-myself-off-with-it-everyday bath towel.  I had never really read it until today.  Do you see what this tag says?  "Machine wash blah-blah, delicate cycle..."  Delicate cycle?  Seriously?  Who does this towel think it is fooling?  Delicate cycle, indeed.  Self important piece of terry cloth.  Or, so I thought.

Then I kept reading, to the bottom of the tag where it says, "do not iron."  Hahahahahahahahaha.  Do not iron! As if there was ever a chance aytch-ee-double-ell I was going to iron my bath towel.  Now, I know the towel is just a joker.

~~~~~~~~~

 Hubband's parents are coming to visit this week, so I may not be around much.  Or, I may be around a lot more than usual.  It could go either way.